Feel like its gonna start all over again…

Tell me why am I not surprised? why Im back in the hospice again? As if it was only yesturday I was in here for Mom. And now? Im here for my Grandma. Kind of funny though, only a door down from where Mom’s room was at. Walking in the lounge area, I already was about to tear out. So many memories flew right past my mind. From the good, bad to the unbearable. As I was sitting next to gramz last night, I just couldn’t stop all those memories flowing in and out. And I was surprised none of the nurses recongized me or Janet.

While on my way to the gym I just had the strangest feeling that everything in my life was like a Ipod on replay. Yeah it may seem a little funny but to me I was kind of shitting bricks. Because like, from what I went through from May since now? It was harsh. HELLA HARSH brah. Its like I couldn’t even concentrate on working out. As I got home, I had a smoke in the garage. Listening to the Ocean thrashing itself to the shore, dogs barking, cricketz sounding. And all I could think about was all that has happended to me ever since my Mother past.

I know some of those things that happend to me during that time was because of me. And I have learned a great amount from it too. But the others? those test and trials? YES I am greatful to overcome them, but dang I honestly don’t know about doing it all over again. From hardships, dramas, to the heartaches and random rages, I am honestly gonna say I am scared.

Surprisingly Im not scared or sad that knowing the fact its almost Grandma’s time to fly. Only because I know in my heart she won’t suffer anymore. These past two years while Grandma was in this state, it really took a tole to me and my Mom. Grandma was everything to my mother and so was she to me when my Mom passed. Heck, no one even saw this coming about my mother! But I aint mad. I aint sad neither. I know all of this happens for a reason. I know all of this will be WORTH IT in the end.

Its just that I have this strange feeling that everything is going to repeat itself from when Mom died. And all those times, bad and good? Im honestly aint excited. Can I go through all that pain from the drama again? can I deal with another heartache if my heart heals its wounds that I also have made to myself other then the other person in a relationship? am I even READY for another relationship? Shit, Im admit that Im still holding on just a tad bit about this past one. Are all these other family members that keeps downing me and my family over here gonna do it all over again? Am I gonna find out MORE family secrets about the Tuiteles and the Leaos? Geeze. 

I guess I’ll agree with you guys then. This is too much for a person of my age to be handeling. But let me ask you this people. Why haven’t I fallen yet? Why am I still in this house when I have the chance at anytime to dig out and do my own thing? I can’t even answer that myself as of now. But you know what? I thank GOD for gracing me with my own mother’s patience. I thank GOD for helping me be able to get out of my bed strong every day. Because TRUST people, there aint a day yet where there is no drama and no bullshit for me.

But hey, Im managing right? You know what sucks? I look at all of my friends, all of my exs, all of my loved ones and they looking hella good from where their going. They look succesful. I mean, I know I am too, the kind of success Im talking about is the kind where it has school, has jobs, has great oppertunities. Thats what I long for. And I now I’ll get there one day. Maybe not soon, but I believe with a fricken passion I will get there. Heck, I finally got registered for school again. 

It’s all going to be worth it in the end. But the question that just keeps running through my mind ever since I woke is, Am I ready to do this all over again? Am I ready to replay this challenging song on this music player? 

Well, its a new year coming up and you know what they say. New year, new chapter and a new YOU. OH PLEASE! I aint going to change EVERYTHING about me. Imma be me. Be ORIGINAL. I just have a few new modifications thats all. My love never changes for anybody. My mother’s grace still glides over me I know it. Lets see what this new year has in store for nelisone….

*soon and very soon Gramz. Ur gonna see the king of glory with your son, daughter and grandson right next to him*