Lord you know all things, and I am never to question you, but i just hope your putting all these things on the right souljah right now….

Yeah, you can say it started the very day I was born. But honestly, never has it been THIS MUCH since the day my Mom was admitted to the hospice. From her slowly drifting away from my arms, to her passing, to meeting someone so special that I thought I could never lose up until now, to family disputes, to my braddah’s passing, and all else that comes and goes till I live I guess. Its a struggle, FUCK YES its hella hurting. But at the same time, even when I wake up I just wonder how the hell am I still living? At a young age that Im at, never would have I imagined to go through so much. Never have I thought my heart could even ache this bad. I still stand strong. But its only because of these kids running around the house. I feel like im losing that one man by the days. That one man that helped my mother made me who I am today. Lord all I ask is that even though I know there is gonna be something so amazing? Something so worth all of this in the end? I just WISH that the end of all this drama wil come to and end very soon. 

But yet, at the same time during all of this. I have learned a lot. And REALIZED things that I also need to work on. Things that I have forgotten have been brought back up. And some of it were from people I would’nt even expect to reteach them to me. Even during this past relationship(yes I aint ashamed, but damn proud) have I learned a lot. It only can get much worse as of now. At least thats what Im thinking. I swear I thought it was gonna get better after a few months after may. But DAMN, has it dropped like a bomb on me. But then agian, im still standing right? The ones that I love, (yes LOVE not lovED cuz no matter what I don’t stop loving) thank you so much. The ones that love me in different ways, your my encouragement. My four backbones, thank god you are still here in my life. My family that knows about this DEEPER, thank you for your offers and oppertunities. 

There are SO MANY oppertunities that keep coming my way, and yet I just sacrifice them. Why? for this family. HELL YEAH im still about this agia. Even though I feel like its just ganging up on me. But I still believe that its gonna be WORTH IT in the end. As of NOW? My love changes on NO ONE. No matter how wrong they did me. Its just gonna be that way no matter what. My mothers patience always dwells in me for some reason. Her fury? is hardly there though. lol and I only wonder why every time. My faith? NEVER CHANGES. 

I have realized that durting these past months, I have been changing. Some good and some bad. And I know now what I need to work on. I guess I can kind of take all of this negativety and use it to train on those things huh? lol Its gonna get better. I believe with a passion it is. But my anticipation is so great right now. So great that its above my own limits. Only God knows the right time right? lol But DAMN my heart never felt this bad before. Yet bad in a somewut good way more the negative(does that make sense?lol) Someone told me, “you already stepped up nelson. Maybe something is telling you to step even higher. Im sorry lol its just that I never met someone go through so much and is still standing strong before in my life. And this is the best advice i can give you brah. But tell you this man. You are such a RARE inspiration to me and I know damn well to others” So imma take that as far as I go thats for sure =) 

There’s things I wish that could happen to me right now? but I know its not the right time. And for those of you who know what Im kind of talking about, please don’t take it for granted or use it against me. lol Even though I know strongly that you wont. Im just saying lol Well…its only a matter of time that all of this will end right? Just gotta be patient. ONASA’I. Im pushing through. Although so much keeps pileing up on me, my shoulders are as broad and strong as the mountains Garuntee ^_^ THIS ONES FOR THE BELOVEDS