I let you have thy way….

Day 2 at the hospice with Grandma. And it looks like she’s getting worse…You know, I try to put things in a positive perspective as hard as I can. And yet, it does work but slowly but surely I just start to cry. She was everything. She was just like my mother. Last night, I didn’t even care how late it was. I just had to see her. As I went to inside the room, Janet was right there. I went straight to Grandma to give her a kiss. After I took a look at her face, honestly it was horrible. I knew that she was drifting away slowly. But the way she was going, was very bad. I knew exactly how painful it must be for her. But I never doubted how strong she was. Even though that recently found out that I wasn’t blood, I still knew her as my Grandmother. Because eversince the DAY I was born, she was by myside. 

And yet, I still question about why all of this happens to me. Hell yeah its a bitch, but shoot. Never do I doubt the lord. Just like Philippians 4:13. I can do all things through christ who strengtheneth me. I never will and don’t on planning to fall. Especially now. Its all in a matter of time. I believe. But I tell you one thing, this life now? may be a bitch, but in the end? I know and believe its gonna be worth it in the end. Alofa atua. Amene  

Feel like its gonna start all over again…

Tell me why am I not surprised? why Im back in the hospice again? As if it was only yesturday I was in here for Mom. And now? Im here for my Grandma. Kind of funny though, only a door down from where Mom’s room was at. Walking in the lounge area, I already was about to tear out. So many memories flew right past my mind. From the good, bad to the unbearable. As I was sitting next to gramz last night, I just couldn’t stop all those memories flowing in and out. And I was surprised none of the nurses recongized me or Janet.

While on my way to the gym I just had the strangest feeling that everything in my life was like a Ipod on replay. Yeah it may seem a little funny but to me I was kind of shitting bricks. Because like, from what I went through from May since now? It was harsh. HELLA HARSH brah. Its like I couldn’t even concentrate on working out. As I got home, I had a smoke in the garage. Listening to the Ocean thrashing itself to the shore, dogs barking, cricketz sounding. And all I could think about was all that has happended to me ever since my Mother past.

I know some of those things that happend to me during that time was because of me. And I have learned a great amount from it too. But the others? those test and trials? YES I am greatful to overcome them, but dang I honestly don’t know about doing it all over again. From hardships, dramas, to the heartaches and random rages, I am honestly gonna say I am scared.

Surprisingly Im not scared or sad that knowing the fact its almost Grandma’s time to fly. Only because I know in my heart she won’t suffer anymore. These past two years while Grandma was in this state, it really took a tole to me and my Mom. Grandma was everything to my mother and so was she to me when my Mom passed. Heck, no one even saw this coming about my mother! But I aint mad. I aint sad neither. I know all of this happens for a reason. I know all of this will be WORTH IT in the end.

Its just that I have this strange feeling that everything is going to repeat itself from when Mom died. And all those times, bad and good? Im honestly aint excited. Can I go through all that pain from the drama again? can I deal with another heartache if my heart heals its wounds that I also have made to myself other then the other person in a relationship? am I even READY for another relationship? Shit, Im admit that Im still holding on just a tad bit about this past one. Are all these other family members that keeps downing me and my family over here gonna do it all over again? Am I gonna find out MORE family secrets about the Tuiteles and the Leaos? Geeze. 

I guess I’ll agree with you guys then. This is too much for a person of my age to be handeling. But let me ask you this people. Why haven’t I fallen yet? Why am I still in this house when I have the chance at anytime to dig out and do my own thing? I can’t even answer that myself as of now. But you know what? I thank GOD for gracing me with my own mother’s patience. I thank GOD for helping me be able to get out of my bed strong every day. Because TRUST people, there aint a day yet where there is no drama and no bullshit for me.

But hey, Im managing right? You know what sucks? I look at all of my friends, all of my exs, all of my loved ones and they looking hella good from where their going. They look succesful. I mean, I know I am too, the kind of success Im talking about is the kind where it has school, has jobs, has great oppertunities. Thats what I long for. And I now I’ll get there one day. Maybe not soon, but I believe with a fricken passion I will get there. Heck, I finally got registered for school again. 

It’s all going to be worth it in the end. But the question that just keeps running through my mind ever since I woke is, Am I ready to do this all over again? Am I ready to replay this challenging song on this music player? 

Well, its a new year coming up and you know what they say. New year, new chapter and a new YOU. OH PLEASE! I aint going to change EVERYTHING about me. Imma be me. Be ORIGINAL. I just have a few new modifications thats all. My love never changes for anybody. My mother’s grace still glides over me I know it. Lets see what this new year has in store for nelisone….

*soon and very soon Gramz. Ur gonna see the king of glory with your son, daughter and grandson right next to him*

Lord you know all things, and I am never to question you, but i just hope your putting all these things on the right souljah right now….

Yeah, you can say it started the very day I was born. But honestly, never has it been THIS MUCH since the day my Mom was admitted to the hospice. From her slowly drifting away from my arms, to her passing, to meeting someone so special that I thought I could never lose up until now, to family disputes, to my braddah’s passing, and all else that comes and goes till I live I guess. Its a struggle, FUCK YES its hella hurting. But at the same time, even when I wake up I just wonder how the hell am I still living? At a young age that Im at, never would have I imagined to go through so much. Never have I thought my heart could even ache this bad. I still stand strong. But its only because of these kids running around the house. I feel like im losing that one man by the days. That one man that helped my mother made me who I am today. Lord all I ask is that even though I know there is gonna be something so amazing? Something so worth all of this in the end? I just WISH that the end of all this drama wil come to and end very soon. 

But yet, at the same time during all of this. I have learned a lot. And REALIZED things that I also need to work on. Things that I have forgotten have been brought back up. And some of it were from people I would’nt even expect to reteach them to me. Even during this past relationship(yes I aint ashamed, but damn proud) have I learned a lot. It only can get much worse as of now. At least thats what Im thinking. I swear I thought it was gonna get better after a few months after may. But DAMN, has it dropped like a bomb on me. But then agian, im still standing right? The ones that I love, (yes LOVE not lovED cuz no matter what I don’t stop loving) thank you so much. The ones that love me in different ways, your my encouragement. My four backbones, thank god you are still here in my life. My family that knows about this DEEPER, thank you for your offers and oppertunities. 

There are SO MANY oppertunities that keep coming my way, and yet I just sacrifice them. Why? for this family. HELL YEAH im still about this agia. Even though I feel like its just ganging up on me. But I still believe that its gonna be WORTH IT in the end. As of NOW? My love changes on NO ONE. No matter how wrong they did me. Its just gonna be that way no matter what. My mothers patience always dwells in me for some reason. Her fury? is hardly there though. lol and I only wonder why every time. My faith? NEVER CHANGES. 

I have realized that durting these past months, I have been changing. Some good and some bad. And I know now what I need to work on. I guess I can kind of take all of this negativety and use it to train on those things huh? lol Its gonna get better. I believe with a passion it is. But my anticipation is so great right now. So great that its above my own limits. Only God knows the right time right? lol But DAMN my heart never felt this bad before. Yet bad in a somewut good way more the negative(does that make sense?lol) Someone told me, “you already stepped up nelson. Maybe something is telling you to step even higher. Im sorry lol its just that I never met someone go through so much and is still standing strong before in my life. And this is the best advice i can give you brah. But tell you this man. You are such a RARE inspiration to me and I know damn well to others” So imma take that as far as I go thats for sure =) 

There’s things I wish that could happen to me right now? but I know its not the right time. And for those of you who know what Im kind of talking about, please don’t take it for granted or use it against me. lol Even though I know strongly that you wont. Im just saying lol Well…its only a matter of time that all of this will end right? Just gotta be patient. ONASA’I. Im pushing through. Although so much keeps pileing up on me, my shoulders are as broad and strong as the mountains Garuntee ^_^ THIS ONES FOR THE BELOVEDS

lessons turned into something that is needed and its unexplainable when you ask why

today was the day. the day i learned something. what i needed to do. what i wanted that also equaled to what i needed to do. But then again the fear of it is only holding me back. My braddah’s funeral was the bomb. People showed up that i didn’t expect. Maybe those were signs from God that was trying to tell me what was MEANT to happen. I mean, Im getting used to of what is happening now. BUt i just don’t know why something else tells me to just keep on pushing and fighting to what i really want. I feel selfish for the first time, but this strong feeling just keep coming back. People i seen today at my braddah’s celebration is what triggered it to a great level. I only pray that if its right EVERY DAY. And every day it just keeps reminding me. I know it sounds kind of stupid but i dont know brah. Trials and tribulations only teach us things to live on and to keep on keeping on right? and today was one of those moments garuntee. 

My heart n love doesn’t change. And i don’t know why. My urge to get my prioritites done are at a great extent and I know i finally accomplish a few. But there is just this one that I know i need to fulfill for God. ANd its the same thing as my desire. I only pray that its true. I only pray that it gets easier at the days. But only God has that decision. But always know that I am here. I am keep on keeping on and I will always keep my promises. This goes out to family, friends, close freinds and loved ones. They say that its all gonna get better in the end? and i TRULY believe so. But i know that what i have to do is mostly the right thing. I just pray that the courage, faith and stregnth will help me.

Only God can help me on through this. And only he can fulfill my prayers. Know this though, I am always here for ANYBODY :) God bless and Good nite.

*for you vaiki boi. dis nite is for you  bro. keep mom safe up dea ah? watch ova her and US as well. Fa laia bro!* 

Don’t change how the way I do my things and move on with my life…..

You see me now, i’m rising above. What ever I do it keeps me going and NO ONE has had doubts about me ever since…so please…PLEASE don’t try to change things because YOU think its the best for me. I know what i’m doing…let me do my thing because its NOT only me that is doing my thing….JESUS guides me….*REAL TALK*